Going for it

  Well Ladies and Gentlemen, we went for it.  We are now a homeschooling family.  Holy crap!

   This is such a huge step for us.  Or, I guess I should say, for me.  You may recall that the whole impetus behind this blog is to chronicle my experience of following my heart.  For years now I have allowed "logic" and "reason" to rule the show.  I put these words in quotes because what may seem logical and reasonable is not always so... especially when conflicting with what the heart truly desires.  And when there is a driven workaholic with something to prove behind the wheel.

   So now, a huge step in the direction of my heart.  It is terrifying!  I thought that it would feel so calming and reassuring.  However, not so.  At least not with this particular decision.  I think, perhaps, that is because this decision significantly affects more than my own future.  There is so much more at stake....

  However, scary as it may seem, I know that we have made the right choice.  Like I said, following my heart.  This is something that we have wanted to do for a very long time.  When Cedar was but a tiny little little guy we always said we'd homeschool.  And now, we are.

   I have to say, it is a crazy feeling to shift life so drastically and so suddenly, with very little forethought or planning.  This was not a decision we had planned long in advance as we usually do with such biggies.  No, this was more of a spur-of-the-moment, I gotta do what's right... RIGHT NOW... kind of decision.  A few weeks ago, I was a working mama.  And I mean WORKING in the fullest sense of the word.  I mean 50+ hours a week in the lab, no childcare, on the school board, easily 2 hours in the car per day, still getting the kids to school and in bed on time, plus homework, plus MAYBE get a few hours of sleep in somewhere kind of working.  I literally functioned on pure stress.  It's what kept me going each day.  Simply put, the momentum from the crazy day before provided the strength for the crazy day ahead.  And I was so deeply engaged in the cycle, I could see no way out of it.

   Well, Cedar has always kept us on our toes.  From the second that boy took his first breath he has had something to teach me.  And there is nothing subtle or mild about those teachings either.  On many, many, many occasions he has brought me to my knees in surrender to what, simply, must be.  This was no exception.

  While I likely could have continued on for many more years of this psychotic schedule, Cedar made it apparent, if not downright obvious, that this shit had to stop.  But, of course, being ten years old, he did not come right out and say it.

   Luckily, prior to the start of this school year, both kids had the wonderful blessing of attending the most supportive, nurturing school I could ever imagine.  They were loved, truly and deeply loved, by every person they spent their days with.  I refer to this as a blessing because it filled them up with stability and strength and confidence while life was a wild ride of running and rushing and working and "hurry up! we have to go RIGHT NOW or I'm going to be late!".  When they started in public school this fall, that holy momentum, that crazy balancing act I so desperately worked to maintain came to a screeching halt.  Or, should I say, crashed and burned like a 50 car pile-up blocking traffic for miles in both directions.

   Cedar could not deal in the public school world.  And it was a really good public school - well funded, lots of access to arts and science, etc.  It was just too much.  And, not enough.  My poor little man tried with all his might to make it work, and yet it didn't.  And in the process, he fell apart.  And my heart broke.

   It was like the universe realigned.  I opened my eyes and saw my choices for what they were.  Choices.  I realized that I had, within my power, the ability to make a different choice.  I could follow my heart and do what I knew was right for my kids.  I could take a step back from all those "responsibilities" and put everything I have into the one responsibility I truly have... my babies.

   So please join me on this journey.  I'm nervous and unsure.  I feel like a new born baby, getting used to this new world.  Learning to breathe, learning to trust....  Learning to follow as my heart leads the way.