Monday, October 25, 2010

Going for it

  Well Ladies and Gentlemen, we went for it.  We are now a homeschooling family.  Holy crap!

   This is such a huge step for us.  Or, I guess I should say, for me.  You may recall that the whole impetus behind this blog is to chronicle my experience of following my heart.  For years now I have allowed "logic" and "reason" to rule the show.  I put these words in quotes because what may seem logical and reasonable is not always so... especially when conflicting with what the heart truly desires.  And when there is a driven workaholic with something to prove behind the wheel.

   So now, a huge step in the direction of my heart.  It is terrifying!  I thought that it would feel so calming and reassuring.  However, not so.  At least not with this particular decision.  I think, perhaps, that is because this decision significantly affects more than my own future.  There is so much more at stake....

  However, scary as it may seem, I know that we have made the right choice.  Like I said, following my heart.  This is something that we have wanted to do for a very long time.  When Cedar was but a tiny little little guy we always said we'd homeschool.  And now, we are.

   I have to say, it is a crazy feeling to shift life so drastically and so suddenly, with very little forethought or planning.  This was not a decision we had planned long in advance as we usually do with such biggies.  No, this was more of a spur-of-the-moment, I gotta do what's right... RIGHT NOW... kind of decision.  A few weeks ago, I was a working mama.  And I mean WORKING in the fullest sense of the word.  I mean 50+ hours a week in the lab, no childcare, on the school board, easily 2 hours in the car per day, still getting the kids to school and in bed on time, plus homework, plus MAYBE get a few hours of sleep in somewhere kind of working.  I literally functioned on pure stress.  It's what kept me going each day.  Simply put, the momentum from the crazy day before provided the strength for the crazy day ahead.  And I was so deeply engaged in the cycle, I could see no way out of it.

   Well, Cedar has always kept us on our toes.  From the second that boy took his first breath he has had something to teach me.  And there is nothing subtle or mild about those teachings either.  On many, many, many occasions he has brought me to my knees in surrender to what, simply, must be.  This was no exception.

  While I likely could have continued on for many more years of this psychotic schedule, Cedar made it apparent, if not downright obvious, that this shit had to stop.  But, of course, being ten years old, he did not come right out and say it.

   Luckily, prior to the start of this school year, both kids had the wonderful blessing of attending the most supportive, nurturing school I could ever imagine.  They were loved, truly and deeply loved, by every person they spent their days with.  I refer to this as a blessing because it filled them up with stability and strength and confidence while life was a wild ride of running and rushing and working and "hurry up! we have to go RIGHT NOW or I'm going to be late!".  When they started in public school this fall, that holy momentum, that crazy balancing act I so desperately worked to maintain came to a screeching halt.  Or, should I say, crashed and burned like a 50 car pile-up blocking traffic for miles in both directions.

   Cedar could not deal in the public school world.  And it was a really good public school - well funded, lots of access to arts and science, etc.  It was just too much.  And, not enough.  My poor little man tried with all his might to make it work, and yet it didn't.  And in the process, he fell apart.  And my heart broke.

   It was like the universe realigned.  I opened my eyes and saw my choices for what they were.  Choices.  I realized that I had, within my power, the ability to make a different choice.  I could follow my heart and do what I knew was right for my kids.  I could take a step back from all those "responsibilities" and put everything I have into the one responsibility I truly have... my babies.

   So please join me on this journey.  I'm nervous and unsure.  I feel like a new born baby, getting used to this new world.  Learning to breathe, learning to trust....  Learning to follow as my heart leads the way.

Sunday, October 10, 2010


   We are in the midst of a flood watch.  Five inches expected overnight.  Oish!

Chop, chop and more

   We had a really nice visit with the east coasters last weekend.  Steve's dad, Jerry, and his wife, Diane, visited from New York.  They are fun to hang out with and the kids LOVE it when their grandparents visit!  We did all sorts of regional fall activities.  We, of course, went to the cider mill/pumpkin patch - an annual October ritual for our family.  This kids picked several pumpkins which now grace our front porch.  We ate apple fritters (something terrible for me that I look forward to all year!), drank cider, fed all manner of farm animals, slingshot some apples, and won a fish in a ping-pong-ball-toss.  (I now have to change my profile to state two fish!  Splotches in settling in nicely.)  Following the gluttonous, glutenous fritter fest, we went to see the salmon running.  This time of year here in the Puget Sound region the salmon begin their sacred journey upstream to spawn.  It is quite a magnificent thing to behold. 
   Day two found us raging the farmers market, filling our baskets with beautiful local veggi bounty.  Most importantly, Steve was on the hunt for hot peppers - namely, Ghost Peppers, the hottest peppers in the world.  He has been creating and canning some delicious spicy concoctions!  Post market, we wound our way down to the waterfront during high tide.  There, we spied jelly fish galore - little white Moon Jellies, huge yellow Egg Yolk jellyfish, and even bigger red Lion's Mane.  Among the jellies were a couple of playful seals.  They are so cute and curious.  I love seeing them!
  After a scrumptious meal of spicy "mancheladas", as Steve likes to call them, the really exciting event of the weekend took place.  Mister Cedar let Grandma Diane cut his hair!  Chop, Chop!
Holy cow!  Look at my little man!  Shortest hair cut he's ever had, by a long shot!  Oh man do I miss those long, long, long curly locks!
Cedar and Ganda 2008
   And I remember back then thinking it was so short because we had recently cut it due to a tree sap incident.  Little Moon, how did you get so big and grown up?  Other moms out there, please tell me how we slow time down so that we may savor these moments longer.  It goes by so fast!  Now my little man is truly on the cusp of becoming a little man!!!